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Dean Camen, the inventor of the Segway Scooter claimed that this could revolutionize transport as we know it. Well only for the skinny person! I bought two Segway scooters for me and my better 2/3’s, my wife. We waited a few weeks for them to be shipped to my farm, as UPS seems to think that all of the items we buy on the Home Shopping Network are NOT of importance to expedite. UPS refuses to send anything overnight to my property. So before I got the scooters, I planned a vacation with me and my wife with the full intention of bringing my new scooters with us. We were going to Oklahoma City, Men’s Fitness magazine’s “Fattest City in America” ([…]). Of course we figured that the sidewalks would be wide enough for the scooters, as it is Americas fattest city! We also figured that my “Pudgy Love Bacon” (she loves when I speak sexy to her) would feel comfortable in the city, as others should be more understanding of her plight, considering they are all larger, statistically, then the rest of America. After getting the scooters shipped to me, I started the two day journey to lube up my wife to get her out of the house. Its a tough job, and requires more lube then a female wrestling match, some farm equipment and some heavy lights (She blocks the sun in certain positions). What I thought was that I would place the scooter right at the edge of the exit of the house, so that when she had enough force from being pulled by the tractor, she would be able to lift her legs to get up onto the scooter. It wasn’t that we were going to ride the scooters all the way from my home to Oklahoma City, but I did pay thousands for the things, and I wanted to make sure it worked for her, before I could return them in the 30 day period they allow you to return them in. So after some major work, we got my “Grizzle Eater” on the Segway. The first issue was that only one of her legs fully fit on the thing. The platform was not wide enough. Then I thought I would just place my second Segway behind her, and she could place her second leg on it, but before I was able to bring the second Segway around the first one buckled and broke apart. The salesman didn’t mention that there were weight restrictions and when I tried to take the thing back, Segway wouldn’t take the scooter back. My better 2/3’s was pissed, and after it took another 2 days to get her back in the house, she refused to leave and we didn’t go on vacation. Segway Scooters you screwed up my marriage, and my vacation!!!

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